The Giving Kid

By Pamela Paul

How can you instill a sense of charity in your child? Hint: Start young and avoid noblesse oblige.

Most parents of means hope their children will express the family’s core values by participating in its charitable endeavors. That’s why we talk about bringing a 17-year-old daughter into family office meetings — to involve her in the family’s philanthropic work.

But let’s say she’s only 3. Do you hold off teaching her about philanthropy until she’s old enough to debate tax strategies?

As the mother of three kids under 6 growing up in moneyed Manhattan, I’ve certainly worried over ways to minimize materialism and maximize compassion. Is our annual Christmas cookie baking for the local police and fire departments good enough—and is it enough?

The answer, according to the experts I talked to, is—yes, it’s good enough, but no, it’s not enough. Teaching children charitable values and habits is something that needs to be done not only experientially— that is, by doing—but also consistently. “The earlier you start, the better,” says Eileen Heisman, CEO of the National Philanthropic Trust. “But you can’t build a conscience with one exposure.”

Instead, incorporate charity into the entirety of a financial education. “Get them involved in every aspect you can that is age appropriate,” says Eric Cramer, a Charles Schwab financial consultant based in Atlanta. “If you’re mailing a donation, let them decorate the envelope.”

Children also learn by observing— which means that we need to watch ourselves. “Most important is leading by example,” says Javier Soto, president of the Dade Community Foundation. “It’s hard to make the leap into philanthropy as young adults unless, starting at a young age, they witness their parents doing charitable giving.”

And if they don’t? “If you are behaving very selfishly, then talking up charitable deeds isn’t going to come across very well,” says Susan Colpitts, cofounder of Signature, a family office in Norfolk, Va. Take them to a nursing home or a local homeless shelter. Let them understand that others aren’t as fortunate as themselves and that they can do things to help out.

But take care not to cultivate an attitude of noblesse oblige. “You need to frame it,” says Lee Hausner, author of Children of Paradise: Successful Parenting for Prosperous Families. “It’s not, ‘We’re multimillionaires so we can walk around playing God.’ It’s, ‘We’re grateful for what we have and not everyone else has all this so we need to share.’ Those kids don’t become superior and entitled.”

The worst thing, experts agree, is to wait until kids are “old enough” to be “ready” for philanthropy. “It’s typically too late by then,” says Craig Keilburger, author of The World Needs Your Kid. “The first step is raising kids who care and contribute. That doesn’t happen in the boardroom; it happens at the kitchen table.”

 

Curator