09/01/2005
My husband and I were recently out to dinner with our 13-year-old son, and he actually referred to a group of working class kids at another table as “those people.” We have tried to raise our child to have an interest in the world beyond our economic milieu, but I’m afraid his privileges have isolated him and may be making him intolerant. What can we do about his behavior at this point?
Adolescents watch more than they listen, and you are already doing some
great parenting by listening to your son. So often, adolescents don’t need to be
told things as much as they need help in making sense of what they are
observing; they are keen observers and attitude-catchers. Their attitudes often
reflect the pervasive adult culture, and it can be shocking.
Phrases like
“those people” often indicate stereotyping, and this might be an example of
economic stereotyping. Try to understand what “those people” means to your son.
It may just be an adolescent snarl. You won’t know unless you ask more questions
and listen to the answers.
In a culture where to “have more” is to “be
more,” how does an adolescent perceive someone who doesn’t have more? We must
have conversations with our children about our money and about our values, and
then we have to listen to hear what they’ve heard. These conversations are never
finished; we have to discuss our values again and again as we change and as our
children grow.
Bob Kenny, More Than Money,
Cambridge, Mass.
Open a charitable foundation account in your son’s name. Have him choose ways in which the foundation’s money can be distributed to help the community. Instead of giving him money, contribute to his foundation and tell him he can earn $13 for each documented hour he spends in community service. That service could be at a homeless shelter, nursing home or any other charitable work he can think of.
You can contribute gifts for his birthday; his grandparents can do the same. He can learn ways to raise money for his foundation account. All gifts are tax deductible, and income he receives is not taxable to a limit. He will learn about helping others as opposed to just what’s in it for him. The initial contribution is $100. Administration costs 2.5 percent of contributions. Very cheap therapy.
Les Winston, Chartered Advisor
in Philanthropy, Miami
It’s never too late to develop a new attitude. Your son’s comment is like
the tip of an iceberg: You need to find out what’s under the water. Is it
rebellion because he wants to annoy you? Is it a developmental stage you can
help him outgrow? Do you sense it’s a real challenge concerning his basic
values?
As Malcolm Gladwell describes in Blink, our first impressions are
very powerful and can overwhelm our rational minds. We often fear or devalue
what we don’t know personally. First, connect with your son by acknowledging
that we all make snap judgments. Have some good conversations on the issue and
remind him that good leaders and citizens learn to transcend reflex reactions.
Second, find ways he wouldn’t mind that expose him in a day-to-day way with
“those people.” Try a different kind of camp or volunteer experience. Nothing
blasts devaluing quicker than friendship. Third, see if you can expand your
social circle as well.
Carol Kauffman, Harvard Medical School,
Belmont,
Mass.
It’s true: Privilege often isolates kids. But it’s not too late for your
son to gain a new perspective. Comments like his usually stem from an assumption
that rich people are rich because they are smarter and work harder than everyone
else. It is important to help him see that people from all classes work hard and
that many other factors—like race, access, connections and luck—are involved in
the creation of wealth.
Talk with him about how the deck of life is stacked
against people who didn’t grow up with the kind of privilege he has. When your
son understands that wealth is not a measure of a person’s worth, he’ll be on
the road to becoming the more compassionate and informed person you raised him
to be.
Resource Generation provides a community where he can talk with other
young people about issues such as this. You can visit our website at www.resourcegeneration.org for more
information.
John Harrison, Resource Generation,
Cambridge, Mass.
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