For many children, a parent’s will is interpreted as the ultimate verdict on the quality of a lifelong relationship. Offspring perceive these words from beyond the grave as the reflection of a parent’s confidence or distrust, pride or disappointment. A large gift (or, alternately, one that is smaller than expected) is viewed as either a reward or a reprimand.

You might think that this kind of disorder could never occur in your family. It could. As estate lawyers, we see it all: from stepchildren who can’t wait for their stepmother to pass away so they can get their share of Dad’s estate, to siblings who sue each other—and their own parents—to acquire control of Mom and Dad’s assets. These cases are becoming more and more common as baby boomers anticipate inheritances from their Depression-era parents.

The fighting may not just be over whether the will is valid or not. Often, the child chosen as executor faces the brunt of hurt feelings from the other children who were not selected. Disgruntled siblings frequently target the executor with their criticism and civil lawsuits; they will use any means available to even the score for not being Mom’s or Dad’s chosen one. An executor who is initially honored at being appointed can potentially face personal financial ruin when the stocks that the estate owns drop in value and the beneficiaries take him to court.

Dodging Disagreement
One way families avoid estate battles is by recognizing the fundamental circumstances that time and again lead to conflicts. These red flags include: a second marriage; a parent who holds assets jointly with one of several children; children with different personal financial circumstances; a family business that does not involve all of the children; a parent who loses mental capacity and appoints one child as power of attorney; and a meddling daughter- or son-in-law.

Smart parents can and should take action if they expect one of their children to cause an estate dispute. If a parent decides to exclude one child from the will or living trust, for example, Mom or Dad should consider leaving a gift to the excluded child’s children. Thus, if the excluded child decides to challenge the will, he will be attacking his own children’s gifts.

By the same measure, there are things children can do after their parents pass away to limit the emotional and financial damage of an estate dispute. These include: 

• Be guarded in what you say and do. Your actions or words can come back to haunt you. In one case, the children wrote a eulogy praising their father’s caregiver as his "companion." Ultimately, these heartfelt words were used against the children by the caregiver to support her claim that she was their father’s common-law spouse—and should therefore be entitled to part of the estate.

• Recognize the emotional aspects of estate disputes. When a child is treated differently than his siblings in a will or trust, that child may feel suspicion, bitterness and anger. An executor can be guaranteed trouble if he fails to provide timely information to his siblings. Ongoing communication is the key to limiting bad feelings over an estate.

• Give up on nonessential issues. Not every decision should be based on a matter of principle. Battling over every issue because "it’s what Mom wanted" will most likely leave a legacy of family destruction. If your brother is extremely distressed over not being selected as an executor, for example, consider allowing him to be a coexecutor or even resigning and appointing a neutral third party.

• Be reasonable. The side that is most reasonable will often be the side that is successful in court. Judges punish unreasonable parties and reward those who can rise above the emotional aspects of the disagreement. The more unreasonable your siblings are, the more reasonable you should be.

Family is the most valuable asset one can have. Sadly, far too many families are needlessly destroyed over an inheritance. But by understanding the complex emotional, legal and financial issues involved in estate disputes, many families can be saved.

Jordan Atin, Barry Fish and Les Kotzer are authors of The Family War: Winning the Inheritance Battle, which provides tips and strategies for resolving estate disputes.