Nothing feels good enough for these prodded and pressured children, but that doesn’t stop them. They will keep trying (at any cost) to obtain the perfect grades, perfect extracurricular activities, perfect bodies, perfect summer experiences, perfect college essays and, most importantly, the most prestigious college sticker on the rear car window announcing their "success"—to make their parents proud.

Parents have lost their inner compasses for guiding offspring along the pathway to successful lives. You may think that being a board member means that your child will get more attention when the going gets tough, but research suggests that just the opposite is true. When children of affluent and influential parents founder, their struggle is more likely to be viewed as an aberration—and, consequently, is often overlooked.

Pressure Cooker
In their 2004 study, The High Price of Affluence, Suniya Luthar, professor of psychology and education at Columbia University, and graduate student Chris Sexton found that wealthy children abuse prescription and over-the-counter drugs, as well as alcohol, at a higher rate than other kids. Furthermore, the societal pressure placed on girls to possess perfect bodies, combined with girls’ tendencies to hide stress, explains why highly educated affluent girls now outnumber boys in alcohol consumption, writes clinical psychologist Roni Cohen-Sandler in her book, Stressed-Out Girls.

The pressure to excel, combined with a fear of disappointing their parents, leads otherwise honest kids to cheat in school. As a result, many studies show that academic dishonesty—lying, text-messaging test answers, selling intellectual property, cheating with handheld computers—is at an all-time high.

Remember, some of the most successful people didn’t attend an Ivy League school; most aren’t even brilliant by traditional standards. We know that most successful individuals are those who are self-directed, passionate and who believe in their dream. By the same token, several clinical studies suggest that the happiest people don’t necessarily hail from the Ivies; instead, they are people who feel good about who they are, their relationships and their work.

It’s time to push the pause button on our busy lives and pay attention to what our children really need. In a recent workshop attended by several hundred fathers of daughters attending elite New York girls’ schools, I asked the group, "How many of you think you would get into your alma mater if you were applying today?" Less than 20 fathers raised their hands. Good reality check. Think about what it is like to be in your child’s shoes. Ask yourself if you subtly put pressure on your child to live up to your legacy—and if so, come up with a different investment strategy.

You probably think this advice is easier said than done, but there are some quick shifts you can make to rewire your expectations and the way you communicate those expectations to your children:

• Spend time together as a family. And when you do, be genuinely curious about your children’s lives.

• Do not offer unsolicited advice—no matter how helpful you think it might be. Your children already know what you think. Show them you care about what they think.

• Invite them to help you solve some of the problems that you face in your day-to-day activities. Tell stories about situations when you were clueless about what to do; work through how you solved it or where you turned for help.

• Encourage them to develop their own opinions and admire them for doing so (no matter how much these views might differ from your own).

Your children are works in progress. You’ll be much happier with the results if you don’t attempt to micromanage their outcome. Let them experience their ups and downs—and learn to be resilient. Remember, you are managing this portfolio for long-term return, not short-term gains.

Catherine Steiner-Adair is a psychologist and a clinical instructor at Harvard Medical School. She also counsels economically and educationally advantaged children.