Role Reversal and Esteem
In relationships in which affluent women marry nonaffluent men, the economic role each partner plays is the reverse of society’s norm, which may lead to self-esteem issues on both sides. Jon Gallo, of the Gallo Institute, explains, “The woman worries whether it is OK to be more powerful economically than her husband, and the husband is suddenly no longer the breadwinner, and so he asks, ‘Who am I in this relationship?’”

The affluent spouse
Many women inheritors are under severe pressure in relationships with fiscal unequals because of their own expectations about who should support whom. James E. Hughes Jr. notes that a growing number of psychologists subscribe to the belief that at least some of these expectations are predetermined. He points to work by John Marshall Townsend, who, in his 1998 book, What Women Want—What Men Want: Why the Sexes Still See Love and Commitment So Differently, describes a survey of young women in medical school who admitted that, despite their potentially high social and financial status, they still wanted their spouses to support them.

Hughes notes that the revolution in property distribution, in which the control of wealth and assets has begun to shift from the hands of men into the hands of women, will have serious repercussions for marriages. “The men they form relationships with are very likely not to be held by society in the same esteem.”

This perception, if not acknowledged by a couple, can put enormous pressure on the marriage, and manifest itself in resentment, arguments about control of assets and income, and chronic problems with in-laws.

Lee Hausner, of IFF Advisors, says these pressures are ending an increasing number of relationships. “In the last seven or eight years, I’ve noticed that women heirs were never on their first marriages, and when I’ve asked them why, it was always about the money,” she says.

The nonaffluent spouse
Professional men who marry into money often find it very difficult to maintain their sense of self-esteem, especially if their new families do not share their view of the value of a career. This is much less of a problem when he marries someone who has built her own fortune, notes Joan DiFuria, of the Money Meaning and Choices Institute. “The self-earners will work with the nonaffluent spouse much differently than an inheritor of wealth,” she says, because they will have more of the same values in common.

Hausner relates the story of a leading surgeon she met some years back who was considered a wet blanket by his wife’s family because he could not drop everything and join them for long vacations on short notice. “He got no credit, no respect for his accomplishments,” she says, “so they eventually got divorced.”

GUILT

The affluent spouse
Guilt plagues many inheritors, DiFuria notes. “When people don’t work there’s a high guilt factor, especially with women, who may be extremely generous with the men in their lives, whom may not be as financially competent,” she explains. This can lead affluent women to choose poor spouses, or to simply fail to embrace the opportunities their wealth provides.

The nonaffluent spouse
The nonaffluent spouse may feel enormous guilt about leaving his own family behind economically. This may lead to difficulties setting boundaries and setting expectations with the nonaffluent in-laws. Meanwhile, depending on their own values, the nonaffluent spouse’s family may look down upon his new wealth and ostracize or criticize him for it, leading to further emotional turmoil.

“There are going to be extended-family members and step-family members who feel they have certain rights and try to exert influence,” according to wealth advisor Thayer Cheatham Willis. “The husband or wife needs to make it clear what they’re available for, and what they are not available for. It’s really important to make clear that this is my life partner and this is where my priority is,” she notes.

DEPENDENCY

The affluent spouse
We may suffer the nagging worry that we are being romantically pursued solely for our money by someone seeking an emotional or financial safe harbor, rather than a healthy relationship. This is a significant impediment to honest dialogue. While we must acknowledge that our affluence may play some part in our attraction, especially to people seeking security in a relationship, determining how important it is to our fiancée or spouse is very difficult. John, a businessman and inheritor, notes that it is impossible to divide love into its constituent parts. “Does a person know why she loves you? How much does the money play into her considerations? It’s all very difficult to separate,” he admits.

The nonaffluent spouse
The nonaffluent spouse may feel the affluent spouse is playing by what Willis calls “the nasty version of the golden rule: He who has the gold makes the rules.” There is, she says, a tremendous amount of truth to this, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, and having little control over the family assets, or having to ask permission to make purchases, can be galling for the nonaffluent spouse. It can spur self-esteem issues and resentment. Willis urges couples to try to eliminate the financial dependency in their relationships as quickly as possible by furnishing the nonaffluent spouse with a measure of financial independence.

MISTRUST

The affluent spouse
Those of us from affluent backgrounds often find it difficult to establish trust with nonaffluent partners. “People who come from a moneyed background have been hit on a lot because of their wealth,” says John, a businessman from an affluent family, who has been married three times. “It’s like having a bull’s-eye on your back your whole life.” This is a serious obstacle to communications—both before and during the marriage, he says. “You learn to be very guarded about the wealth. People who do not come from a moneyed background don’t understand that. They tend to be a lot more generous, and they do not look at life through the lens of money, which people tend to do if they have had it a long time.” Nonaffluent spouses also tend to assume a couple’s assets are community property, while those of us who have been through one or more divorces are usually loathe to mix our assets, having firsthand experience of the legal repercussions of doing so.

The nonaffluent spouse
When nonaffluent spouses are not trusted in a meaningful way, with control over assets or perhaps a voice in the family business, resentment can fester. Prenuptial agreements and trusts set up to restrict the distribution of assets can be seen as votes of no confidence in the marriage. The nonaffluent spouse needs to be invited into the family and introduced to the various traditions and the governance rules for both the family’s assets and its business, as appropriate.

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