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| For Richer, For Poorer |
Insidious Issues
07/01/2004
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The nonaffluent spouse
The nonaffluent spouse may feel the affluent
spouse is playing by what Willis calls “the nasty version of the golden rule: He
who has the gold makes the rules.” There is, she says, a tremendous amount of
truth to this, whether we want to acknowledge it or not, and having little
control over the family assets, or having to ask permission to make purchases,
can be galling for the nonaffluent spouse. It can spur self-esteem issues and
resentment. Willis urges couples to try to eliminate the financial dependency in
their relationships as quickly as possible by furnishing the nonaffluent spouse
with a measure of financial independence.
MISTRUST
The affluent spouse
Those of us from affluent backgrounds
often find it difficult to establish trust with nonaffluent partners. “People who come from a moneyed background have been hit on a lot because of their
wealth,” says John, a businessman from an affluent family, who has been married
three times. “It’s like having a bull’s-eye on your back your whole life.” This
is a serious obstacle to communications—both before and during the marriage, he
says. “You learn to be very guarded about the wealth. People who do not come
from a moneyed background don’t understand that. They tend to be a lot more
generous, and they do not look at life through the lens of money, which people
tend to do if they have had it a long time.” Nonaffluent spouses also tend to
assume a couple’s assets are community property, while those of us who have been
through one or more divorces are usually loathe to mix our assets, having
firsthand experience of the legal repercussions of doing so.
The nonaffluent spouse
When nonaffluent spouses are not trusted in a
meaningful way, with control over assets or perhaps a voice in the family
business, resentment can fester. Prenuptial agreements and trusts set up to
restrict the distribution of assets can be seen as votes of no confidence in the
marriage. The nonaffluent spouse needs to be invited into the family and
introduced to the various traditions and the governance rules for both the
family’s assets and its business, as appropriate.
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