Genter crafted a co-ownership agreement out of necessity because most of his clients’ capital was in the $15 million firm. An acrimonious battle over dividing this valuable asset would have jeopardized the entire business. Still, the plan’s success hinged on a greater challenge for the couple: the ability to overcome their differences and cultivate a civil business partnership after severing their personal one. Too often, Genter sees a divorce sour communications, which leads to poor business and investment decisions based on resentment and anger. "The biggest mistake we see is when someone is embittered and decides to sell out of everything," Genter says.

Many divorcing couples intend to maintain a convivial relationship after dissolution of marriage, but intense negotiations and emotional pain often lead to lasting acrimony—particularly in entrepreneurial families whose personal and business affairs are complicated and interlinked. Fear and anger can drive some spouses to rush through negotiations in an attempt to end agonizing debates as quickly as possible. Teresa Dentino, founder of theFinancial411 and a financial consultant in Woodside, Calif., coaches affluent women through the financial analysis associated with divorce. She urges them to slow down. "It’s the biggest financial transaction most women will ever make in their lifetime in a high-net-worth situation," Dentino says.

The first step involves education. Dentino encourages her clients to track their family finances. Many times, the so-called nonmoneyed spouse lacks knowledge about household income, assets and even expenses. This creates problems for everyone because the nonmoneyed spouse may suspect the spouse is hiding assets. "If you don’t know, you’re negotiating in the dark," she says.

One of Dentino’s clients, the wife of a CEO, knew her husband earned a substantial income that supported overseas vacations and well-appointed homes. But she had no idea that they were worth $14 million, Dentino recalls. Such lack of information often contributes to a fear among affluent women that they will become bag ladies, Dentino says. She helps them overcome this anxiety by estimating their postdivorce costs and establishing a dollar range—from a baseline amount that would cover necessities to a top-line number representing everything the client wants. Parsing these numbers builds confidence and helps during negotiations.

"This is a jaw-dropper: how much it’s costing for the overhead of their basic lifestyle. They have no idea; maybe it takes $25,000 a month," Dentino says. "And in some cases, they have a whole new appreciation of their spouse."

Three years ago, when Dentino’s client Patty (who asked that her last name not be published) was divorcing her CEO husband of 27 years, she had been completely unfamiliar with their family finances. With Dentino’s help, she mastered the financial basics, enrolled in computer classes and took charge of creating a balanced investment portfolio. Dentino walked her through refinancing a mortgage on the San Francisco–area house that she received as part of the settlement and encouraged her to locate and comprehend financial and investment statements.

"If you don’t have those skills, you don’t survive very well," Patty says. "When I began my conversation with the attorney, I started with the phone calls and the faxes, and by the time we were done, I was emailing. It was a progression."

While financial education can help a nonmoneyed spouse acquire new skills, it may also aid a moneyed spouse and lead to productive negotiations. One third-generation business owner in New York, who asked not to be identified because he is still negotiating with his wife, is frustrated that she cannot articulate what she wants. He proposed she keep their beach house and has offered continued support for her and their two teenage daughters. But he is worried that she will want a share in his family business. In 2003, he acquired his father’s share of the firm and has since helped it double annual revenues to $15 million. Now he fears his company will suffer if she seeks half its value.

"The fact that she feels she’s entitled to half of the value of the business that my father worked his whole life at doesn’t make sense," he says.

Tapping the company’s value could also damp future profits he intends to use to pay his wife maintenance and child support. The business constantly requires more than a million dollars of liquidity to make large purchases, which he won’t be able to fund if she requests those assets in a settlement. "She doesn’t understand the sales and profitability of the business," he says. "Her only concern at this point is the perks I get from expenses that are funneled through the business—meals or travel."

Couples may well find it impossible to avoid anger and frustration during these negotiations. But Nancy Chemtob, a divorce attorney in New York and partner at Chemtob Moss Forman & Talbert, whose male clients comprise nearly three-quarters of her personal practice, believes that proper planning can help minimize the emotional and financial toll. Some clients who expect significant bonuses or the planned sale of a business will file for divorce before the anticipated windfall to halt any further joint accumulation of assets. For business owners, Chemtob will hire forensic accountants to establish a valuation for the business or an appraiser to value real property in order to control the process, rather than allowing the court to select an appraiser. She also will encourage the moneyed spouse to describe a spouse’s involvement in important business deals. Diaries documenting participation, or lack thereof, are of even greater help.

"What I really want them to do is start thinking about the strategy," Chemtob says. "You need to recognize who your client is. Is your client the one who is making the money or doesn’t have the money? Protect the marital assets."

Barbara Shapiro, a certified divorce financial analyst with HMS Financial Group in Dedham, Mass., observes that couples who made equal contributions to marital property find it easier to divide it. One couple, both physicians, decided to split their roughly $2 million in assets in half. The husband kept the house, but rather than lose the joint $500,000 marital deduction on a primary home’s appreciation, they negotiated an agreement to continue co-owning the property after their divorce, in the interest of preserving the tax-free gains. "They’re looking for resolution that’s peaceful," Shapiro says. "Let’s do this in a mature, civilized way."

Shapiro, also a trained counselor, encourages both spouses to focus on the future. This helps eliminate vindictive behavior, like that displayed by the husband and wife trying to split $10 million in assets and fighting over who would pay a $163 bill to repair a bug zapper. "It doesn’t need to be The War of the Roses," Shapiro says. "Fighting over a mosquito zapper is just focusing all the anger and angst on an object."

Over time, Genter’s clients succeeded in creating a harmonious business relationship; the ex-wife now has an office at the business, which she never had during the marriage. Genter credits their plan for structuring co-ownership with creating a thriving working relationship. The ex-wife received part ownership and developed an agreement specifying equal distributions of business assets, which also permits the husband to continue to make business decisions, as he had in the past. She retains a liquidation interest in the company if it is sold.

Together, they share a financial incentive to make it work. "It was worth a lot more together than split up," Genter says.

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