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Essential Interventions
Janet Allon
11/01/2004
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Too Few Limits
Jeanette Friedman, director of adolescent services
at the Caron Foundation, a drug treatment center in New York, says her client
base is largely comprised of affluent teens and their families. “Too much
money—like too little—is a risk factor,” she says. “Too much money means more
access and fewer limits.”
TOP VIEW
Children of affluence run a greater risk of drug and alcohol abuse
than the population at large. If we find our children are abusing drugs, we must
marshal our resources and act quickly and decisively. In extreme cases, this can
involve uprooting our children and sending them off for several years to a therapeutic boarding school. |
Teen addiction, whether it involves alcohol,
illegal drugs or prescription medication, often catches wealthy parents by
surprise. But knowing some of the factors that exacerbate the risk can help us
lessen the chances that our children will develop problems. Prosperous parents
naturally want to give their children the best of everything. The paradox,
Friedman says, is that providing our children with too much, too soon and too
easily is one factor in developing a substance abuse problem. “Affluent parents
sometimes give things to their children before the child even knows what he
wants, or asks for it or has to work for it,” she says. “It’s hard for the child
to grasp the connection that someone worked for that stuff, even if it was three
generations ago.” Inadvertently stifling our children’s abilities to identify
and feel desire and to set goals can leave them with feelings of emptiness that
they might soothe with drugs or alcohol.
Authorities find it impossible to
predict which children will develop addictions, though children with learning
disabilities, depression, social anxieties or parents who struggle with
addictive behaviors are generally at greater risk. Ellen, a mother in Greenwich,
Conn., says the ongoing addiction struggles of her two sons began when they
started feeling that they did not fit in. She admits that she thought that as a
hands-on parent with an abundance of resources and time, she could head off any
difficulties. “I was very involved with my children’s schools. We still had our
heads in the sand,” she laments. “In hindsight, you think, ‘Why didn’t I see
it?’”
Those who suspect their children are abusing drugs, or who have found
evidence of drug use in an increasingly secretive teenager’s room, must make an
assessment. “When you first get that sinking feeling in your stomach and you
think he might be trying something, don’t panic. Do act,” advises Carol Maxym, a
therapist and educational consultant and the coauthor of Teens in Turmoil: A
Path to Change for Parents, Adolescents and Their Families. Our response to a
child in trouble, many therapists assert, must be tailored to each particular
situation. Our child might just be exploring drugs, or she might be flinging
herself headlong into a destructive habit. “There are kids who do drugs to feel
good, and kids who do drugs to feel better,” Hamilton explains. “It’s the kids
who are doing it to feel better who are likely to develop a problem. They’re
self-medicating.”
| “It’s not what I had in mind for my son. I wanted to send him
somewhere with ivy. But he’s a changed kid now.” |
Maxym suggests that we tell our child we know what they are
doing, and make it clear that we oppose drug use. State flatly, “No matter what
your friends are saying, doing drugs is not OK. Bottom line, they are illegal,
and you will have to live a deceitful, dishonest life in order to do them.” Be
warned that many children will either evade the discussion or make light of
drugs, trying to convince us that they have tried them only once. Maxym cautions
us to trust our instincts.
The next step, she advises, is to meet with other
parents in our community or school, and the parents of our children’s friends,
to establish a united front and set consistent policies. While asserting our
authority as a parent is important, it is even more crucial to maintain the
lines of communication with our children, or reopen them if they are blocked,
therapists insist. “It’s OK to talk about your fears, to show your humanness,”
Hamilton says. “You can say something like, ‘I’m really worried, because I know
there are a lot of drugs out there. How can you really reassure me that you’re
not doing that, that you’re safe and that you’re OK?’ Sometimes that will invite
the kid to open up more, and together you can come to some sort of a consensus.”
Hamilton recommends that this accord include a discussion of bottom-line safety
issues. “For instance it should be an absolute value that a child never gets
into a car with someone who is impaired, and that your children can call you if
they feel unsafe, and you’ll come pick them up, no questions asked.”
Deciding to Intervene
Maxym offers a checklist for parents to determine
when a higher level of intervention is needed. We should examine multiple facets
of our child’s life: What is his attitude toward school? How are his grades? Is
he interested in extracurricular activities? What is the state of his
appearance? How is he interacting with his friends? Is he following the family’s
rules? How are his relationships with his siblings and pets? What is the state
of his room? If more than one of these factors raises our eyebrows, we should
seek professional help.
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