The answer to this question is far from simple. Children, as the Halperts have discovered, do not come with detailed instruction manuals any more than we, as parents, are imbued with farseeing wisdom regarding our offspring. Every family confronts in their own way the same challenges as the Halperts; yet the latter’s well-meaning, though ill-fated, substitution of their material success for responsible parenting remains a familiar motif that runs throughout many affluent families. As parents, we must take steps to ensure that we do everything possible to develop in our children the strength of character on which they will depend in assuming the responsibilities of our wealth. This is the essence of good financial parenting. To accomplish this goal—and to avoid the pain and distress the Halpert’s experienced—we must each address the following five challenges:

1. Realistic expectations 2. Competency training 3. Effective communication 4. Overindulgence 5. Financial parenting

Before tackling these points individually, we should understand them first in the context of the overall importance of self-esteem. Contrary to what many believe, self-esteem is no more easily come by in affluent families than in others—and, in fact, is sometimes hindered by circumstances unique to that environment. Affluent parents should take particular care to cultivate this vital quality, which has two critical components:

1. The  belief of the individual that he is OK and lovable unconditionally. It is not necessary to be the straight-A student, the star athlete, the social directress, class president or the outstanding musician to be loved and respected within the family. There need be no performance requirement. 2. The belief of the individual that she is competent to go out into the world and function successfully, both physically and intellectually, without depending upon the wealth of the family.

Realistic Expectations
A child develops a sense of unconditional acceptance if expectations are realistic. Wealth creators drive themselves to significant levels of success and are often accustomed to making demands of executives, employees and servants. However, we often succumb to the dangerous belief that, as we pressured ourselves and the other adults serving us, we can likewise push and pressure our children to achieve the levels of performance we desire for them. As children naturally want to please parents, falling short of expectations diminishes the child’s sense of being loved unconditionally and thus impedes the development of self-esteem.

Parents naturally have expectations for their children, and this in itself is not harmful, as long as they are reasonably attainable. Members of a family are blessed with different gifts, learning styles, passions and talents. If we as parents do not want to overwhelm our children with unrealistic expectations, we must shift from the role of demanding director to that of cheerleader, supporting and encouraging the natural abilities and interests of our child. Motivation is a self- regulated drive that occurs when the activity in which your child is engaged creates a positive feeling. Children avoid situations that cause stress, frustration and constant disappointment.

One area in which unrealistic expectations frequently create difficulty is school. Often we want to see our children’s success expressed in grades. However, every child will not be a straight-A student (an example of an unrealistic expectation, regardless of IQ level). The love of learning is one of the critical life skills that will enable each member not only to achieve her own potential, but to positively contribute to the long-term success of the family. Accordingly, we as parents should stress academic responsibility over grades in motivating our children.

Reasonable expectations for fulfilling the requirements of being a responsible student include the following:

• School attendance every day, unless the child has an actual temperature;
• A period of time each day devoted to homework. If your child insists that all homework was completed in school or no assignments were given, that time is to be used for reading or journal writing;
• Dedicated review time before an exam.

If a child adheres to the above, he will generally receive the best grades of which he is realistically capable. More importantly, with the elimination of judgment based on grades, each member of the family can feel positive about being a learner.

Competency
Children achieve competency through the actual experience of dealing with tasks independently. However, well meaning, powerful parents often involve themselves excessively in all aspects of their children’s lives. Operating on the misguided belief that they can prevent their children from experiencing frustration or disappointment, they continually make important decisions for their children, assist with tasks and organize their social lives. In their absence, hired surrogates such as nannies, housekeepers, drivers or tutors perform these functions. This approach to parenting breeds passive, dependent children who often grow up to become "adult adolescents," unable to function independently.

Communication is the glue of interpersonal relationships. Everyone wants to be heard.

The young child naturally tries to handle many tasks independently. Of course, physical safety does require restricting some children’s independent desires, not to mention assistance and teaching from parents. But many of us give too much help. One way to control the natural parental desire to assist is to stop and ask, "Could my child perform this task or any part of it independently?" If so, let her do it. This begins with the physical tasks of self-care (washing, brushing teeth, dressing, etc.) and progresses to solving problems, dealing with homework, handling interactions with friends, and being asked opinions about issues. All hired assistants also need to understand the importance of letting the child function independently.

Effective Communication
Communication is the glue of interpersonal relationships. Everyone wants to be heard. However, leaders are sometimes more accustomed to giving the orders than to listening. High achievers must discipline themselves to take the time to truly listen to members of their family, as the experience of being heard is critical to validating personal worth. Our willingness to take time from our busy schedules to listen to our children without criticism or interruption gives their self-esteem an incalculable boost.

Listening, however, is only half of the communication process. What we actually say impacts them greatly. Review carefully for the next several days your interaction with your children, and keep mental track of the positive ("Thank you so much for helping me"), neutral ("Let me show you how to…"), and negative ("I can never trust you") statements. If we are honest in completing this exercise, we may surprise ourselves with the number of interactions that are neutral or negative. Self-esteem is built on the positives. This is not to say that parents should not correct or discipline. However, discipline is most effective when focused on the undesired behavior and conveyed in neutral terms. If you are quick to criticize, be very generous with your praise.

Overindulgence
When we, or our hired surrogates, (nannies, housekeepers, tutors) immediately indulge the continually changing demands of our children, we are doing them an incredible disservice. Spoiled children never learn how to delay gratification or appreciate what they have. They become seriously infected with the disease of entitlement—that misguided belief that privileges are a birthright.

Some level of frustration as one masters the new learning curve remains a necessary ingredient for achievement. The overindulged child does not tolerate the discomfort of not being instantly gratified, and therefore will not stick with a task long enough to develop mastery and experience the pride and pleasure of achievement. When the going gets tough, they get going.

In many cases, affluent families possess sufficient wealth to ensure their children a comfortable lifestyle without their becoming productive in order to pay the rent. Our children need to experience the inner satisfaction of achievement, so that this natural high will be its own reward, and productivity will continue regardless of the dollars available. For this reason, allowing children to experience delayed gratification becomes vitally important. When the "I want" demand sounds, parents should insist that the child add this demand to a future wish list that is only visited on special occasions, such as birthdays or holidays. "No" is an appropriate word in the parenting vocabulary.

Financial Parenting
Monetary limitations or priorities are seldom discussed in some affluent families. Material possessions continually appear, and the supply of dollars seems endless. Little wonder then that children grow up naïve about financial responsibility, despite the fact that they will one day manage significant funds.

Financial parenting begins with an allowance, which should be given in three parts: one part for immediate spending, one part for saving (delayed gratification), and one part for philanthropy. As the child becomes older, he should be placed on a budget, learn how to balance a check book or use Quicken, use a credit card only as part of the overall budget, understand basic investment concepts, and be given work experience whenever possible. With increasing age, children should have the opportunity to work with the financial consultants of the family in order to develop a greater level of sophistication in money management, as well as an independent relationship with the trusted advisors of the family.

The establishment of trusts and the timing of distributions play a role in determining how each family member will ultimately contribute to the overall financial capital of the family. If distributions made during earlier career-building years are significantly greater than your child could realistically earn, the motivation for achievement may be seriously compromised. However, financial assistance can reasonably be given to young career builders to ensure educational opportunities, health coverage, reasonable housing (i.e. supplementing the rental requirements to assure safe housing, or a 30-percent down payment on a home), or to provide funds for an entrepreneurial wealth-creating venture, provided the young adult develops a legitimate business plan and has had experience in the desired field.

Not every member of the successor generations is expected to become a financial wizard. Hopefully, there will be some members in each generation who will develop the competency necessary to assume leadership in this area and become trusted financial resources for the family. However, all members of a financial family need to become responsible for basic financial competency.

When the parenting partners of financial families mutually support strategies for dealing with the challenges of developing self-esteem, maintaining realistic expectations, fostering the development of competency in all areas of their children’s lives, delaying instant gratification, and maintaining effective communication with all family members, they will be well on the road to creating the type of legacy family who will fulfill the mission statement of the 100-year plan.