Listening, however, is only half of the communication process. What we actually say impacts them greatly. Review carefully for the next several days your interaction with your children, and keep mental track of the positive ("Thank you so much for helping me"), neutral ("Let me show you how to…"), and negative ("I can never trust you") statements. If we are honest in completing this exercise, we may surprise ourselves with the number of interactions that are neutral or negative. Self-esteem is built on the positives. This is not to say that parents should not correct or discipline. However, discipline is most effective when focused on the undesired behavior and conveyed in neutral terms. If you are quick to criticize, be very generous with your praise.
Overindulgence
When we, or our hired surrogates, (nannies, housekeepers, tutors) immediately indulge the continually changing demands of our children, we are doing them an incredible disservice. Spoiled children never learn how to delay gratification or appreciate what they have. They become seriously infected with the disease of entitlement—that misguided belief that privileges are a birthright.
Some level of frustration as one masters the new learning curve remains a necessary ingredient for achievement. The overindulged child does not tolerate the discomfort of not being instantly gratified, and therefore will not stick with a task long enough to develop mastery and experience the pride and pleasure of achievement. When the going gets tough, they get going.
In many cases, affluent families possess sufficient wealth to ensure their children a comfortable lifestyle without their becoming productive in order to pay the rent. Our children need to experience the inner satisfaction of achievement, so that this natural high will be its own reward, and productivity will continue regardless of the dollars available. For this reason, allowing children to experience delayed gratification becomes vitally important. When the "I want" demand sounds, parents should insist that the child add this demand to a future wish list that is only visited on special occasions, such as birthdays or holidays. "No" is an appropriate word in the parenting vocabulary.
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