When Darlene Orlov met Geoffrey M. Skolnik 18 years ago, the two immediately
agreed on one thing: neither intended to marry again. Darlene had a short-lived
marriage when she was very young and, at 37, felt she was too set in her ways to
make a lifetime commitment work. Geoffrey, 45, had three children from his first
marriage and did not want to start another family. They also realized they were
both strong-willed business executives with forceful but dissimilar
personalities. Darlene is emotional and effusive, Geoffrey, cerebral and low
key. They were delighted to make each other’s acquaintance, but marriage? No
thank you.
Nine months later they wed.
 Thus began the blending of Darlene
and Geoffrey’s lives, through the often-difficult process of sorting through and
reconciling both their disparate lifestyles and life strategies, as well as the
physical objects they held dear.
The first challenge turned out to be easy:
deciding where to live. Darlene wanted space to house a portion of her
Depression-era American art collection. Geoffrey wanted abundant room and a
view. “We found then, as we still do, that we talked to each other very openly
about what we wanted,” he says. After a number of discussions, they decided to
purchase an apartment on Sutton Place, on Manhattan’s East Side.
TOP VIEW
Commingling lifestyles and emotionally charged belongings, such as jewelry and
homes from prior marriages, is a major challenge for individuals heading down
the aisle for the second time. Frank discussions about our preferences and priorities, along with a willingness to compromise, can ensure our new lives together are more than the sum of their parts. |
Their
deliberations over furniture and aesthetic decor were also going smoothly until
they unwrapped one of Darlene’s paintings, which she lightheartedly calls, “the
musical monks.”Geoffrey objected strenuously, explaining he could not live with it in the
home they were creating together. “The painting is not from the Depression,
though it causes depression in some people, like Geoffrey,” Darlene laughs.
Because he felt strongly about the piece, Darlene was willing to concede the
point. “It was once prominently displayed in my apartment, and now it is
prominently displayed in my parents’ house.” Momentous Mementoes
Deciding what to do with the valuable, emotionally
charged possessions—art, heirloom furniture, family property, jewelry—we have
collected over the years is often difficult, and may take a toll on a new
relationship. The negotiations over their use or disposition often indicate not
only how well our values and interests align, but how successful we will be in
our quest to blend our lives and lifestyles. These discussions can succeed,
without leaving a bitter aftertaste of resentment or anger, if each person makes
an effort to empathize with the other, and is willing to compromise. Darlene and
Geoffrey, for example, despite their strong and antithetical feelings about the
musical monks, were nonetheless able to agree about their new home’s decor.
Objects that reflect our values or passions can become points of contention
if they clash with our new spouse’s tastes, especially if he or she is unable to
grasp the import they hold for us. Similarly, the use or disposition of real
estate or jewelry that a first marriage freighted with meaning is often an area
of some friction in second marriages.
Jewelry, in particular, often looms
large in second marriages, according to Natasha Pearl, founder of Aston-Pearl, a
lifestyle consulting firm in New York. As Darlene and Geoffrey discovered,
sentimental attachments to objects from previous relationships can be a threat,
or at least an unwelcome reminder, to our new partners.
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