At many San Francisco preschools, children must be put on a waiting list at birth just to qualify to receive an application later.

I have advised hundreds of families on getting their children into elite nursery schools. The one thing I know for sure is that the preschool admissions decision is about you, not about your child. Here is my best advice on how to be successful:

Application basics: Early on, call each school that interests you to get the basics on how to apply. In Manhattan, if you don’t start dialing for applications the day after Labor Day, beginning at 7 am, you will be out of luck by noon. At many San Francisco preschools, children must be put on a waiting list at birth just to qualify to receive an application later. A hot Boca Raton preschool takes your name and asks you to call every four months or so to express continued interest. Know what you need to do just to get in the race.

Your list: Do not apply only to the most in-demand schools. Choose a handful of stretch nurseries, a few possibles and some safeties. I know this sounds ridiculous when we are talking preschool, but a balanced list will ensure that your child will have a place no matter what. Make sure you have applied to schools where your family will be comfortable. Every school’s community has a personality, and you want to be part of one that reflects your own values and interests. You will have to do some research ahead of time to find the schools that are a good fit.

Using connections: It can be very powerful if a respected and "generous" school parent or trustee goes to bat for your child. Nevertheless, only ask for a recommendation from someone who knows your family well and will deliver an enthusiastic reference. By the way, this is the person who should mention your potential as a donor, never you.

Application essay: Most schools will ask you to write a paragraph or two about your child. Do not take this assignment lightly. Paint a vivid picture of your child for the admissions director by including little vignettes that reflect his character and personality. Do not make over-the-top claims such as "He speaks three languages" or "He’s a virtuoso violinist." Avoid mentioning that he’s a genius. That goes without saying.

Your interview attire: Consider the style of the school you are applying to when choosing what to wear. For traditional schools that appeal to the conservative elite, women should wear dresses or pantsuits and high, but not too high, heels. Men should wear a jacket and tie. For progressive schools, you can go more casual. Women should carry a quality handbag, but not one that flashes logos. Leave the Birkin bag and the big jewels at home.

Your interview: If you have a one-on-one interview with the admissions director, be prepared to answer the question: "Tell me about your child." You can talk about her special interests, show what makes her unique and tell funny stories. Then just make the interviewer like you. If you genuinely connect with her, you improve your child’s odds of acceptance. Turn off your cell phone and act like you have all the time in the world. While waiting for your meeting, be incredibly polite to the secretary. Rude behavior is always reported.

Your child’s interview: Avoid setting an appointment during nap time. If your child melts down, steals a toy, poops in his diaper or does anything other than play like a champ, relax. The admissions director will be more interested in how you handle him, not how he is behaving. When you have a disastrous interview, and you will, try to laugh. Trust me, someday it will be funny.

Karen Quinn is author of The Ivy Chronicles, a satire about the parent-eat-parent world of kindergarten admissions. She is a former private admissions advisor.